I recently had some of my Child Development students respond to a Discussion Board question regarding discipline and parenting. They were asked to give their opinions about the roles of parents, spanking, how they were parented and other topics. I read each post carefully and discovered that I felt a little left out by not responding personally to the question(s). These are touchy topics because parents often feel strongly about their choices for their children - and feel they are doing what's best for them. Rather than comment individually on the responses of my students, I decided to sharing some of my own experiences with parenting on my blog. I certainly don't have all the answers. Nor, is it my goal to convert others to my beliefs. But, as a parent of three grown children, and, having been a child myself, I feel somewhat qualified to offer an opinion.
My students covered many topics, but the one that appeared most consistently was spanking/physical punishment. This is what I've decided to use as my focus. Let me state up front that many of you won't agree with me. That's okay. I don't agree with some of you. However, I learned from all of you and that's what I hope you can say of me after reading this.
Let me begin with an introduction to how I was parented. I was the oldest of three children. We are each seven years apart. We were all raised in a small town in North Carolina in the 60's and 70's. Culturally, physical punishment was the order of the day. We were each spanked, hit with "switches", hit with belts, and sometimes hit with an open hand. Yes, that would be called abuse today. However, in the South, during those times, it was considered irresponsible if parents didn't physically punish their children. "That kid just needs a good whoopin", and "I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week", were not uncommon threats. Both of my parents were extremely authoritarian, meaning, for the most part, that their word was law - no discussion, no negotiating, and no arguing. Our opinions didn't matter. Our job was to obey - not ask questions.
Each person's experiences with being parented are different and so are the outcomes. Since I can only answer for myself, I'd like to share what I learned from the way I was parented, along with some commentary. Here goes:
1. I learned to obey out of fear, not because it was the right thing to do. The goal of discipline is to teach, not punish. Ultimately, we want to prepare our children to govern themselves. That means that they must learn principles that they can take with them. Spanking a kid for running out in the street will indeed stop him for the moment, but it won't teach him that the reason he can't run in the street is that it's dangerous and that parents protect children from such dangers because they love them. Stopping the behavior could be accomplished by firmly grabbing the child and explaining the danger. The hitting part isn't necessary. Invoking fear in a child interferes with the child's ability to develop a close, safe bond with the parent. Teaching children empowers them.
2. I always felt smarter than my parents because I eventually learned to "play the game". For example, I'd consider whether staying out past curfew was worth the week I'd be grounded. I often thought it was! Again, there was no principle taught. The challenge was to not get caught and very little thought was given to whether or not I SHOULD take the risk. When my parents would hit me I'd secretly think (never verbally) that I knew it wasn't working, so why didn't they see that?
3. I felt, in every way, that my opinion didn't matter. I was never asked my advice or given the opportunity to share my thoughts or feelings. This led to serious self-esteem issues. A child who is not listened to is not valued. Period. I yearned to be involved in decision making on any level. Children need opportunities to make important decisions when they can count on the safety net provided by parents. Failure becomes a learning experience, not a reason for punishment.
4. Because I couldn't make my own choices, when I finally left home for college, I had no idea how to make responsible decisions. I felt like a bird being released from a cage and took full advantage of that freedom. It took a couple years, after experiencing the consequences of my poor choices, to finally catch on. Had I been able to "practice" my decision-making at home, I probably wouldn't have wasted my first two years of college.
5. Many of my students commented that it was not the role of the parent to be a friend to their children. I wish my parents had been my friends. Friends listen to each other and value opinions. Friends love you for who you are without trying to make you something you aren't. Friends want your happiness. Friends help you love yourself. Friends recognize and respect differences. Yep, I'll take a parent who is a friend any day! However, I understand the point students were trying to make. Friendships usually come when children are older. But, they may never come if children aren't respected as worthy, competent beings while they are still young.
6. When it comes right down to it, a big person, with all the power, hitting a little person, with no power JUST ISN'T RIGHT! I've never heard of a child, after being hit, saying, "You did the right thing! I deserved that and I'll never do______again!" Usually, what follows is anger and and a sense of powerlessness, not remorse. If spanking and hitting work, why do children continue doing the same behavior over and over? A child is much more likely to stop a negative behavior if he understands WHY he shouldn't do it. Hopefully, he can eventually apply the correct principle when no one is around to remind him.
7. I remember my mom hitting us kids when we would fight. Interesting, huh? Teach children that the solution for children who hit is to hit them???!!! Hitting never solves problems. As a matter of fact it teaches that the biggest, strongest person wins. Parents need to model the correct way to solve problems. If a principle applies to adults, it applies to kids, too. I can't imagine an adult smacking another adult because they did something they shouldn't have. It comes down to respect and children deserve the same respect reserved for adults. When respect is given, it is earned.
I could go on and on, but I think I've made my point. My parents weren't bad people. They did what they felt was right and what was culturally accepted. I love my parents and understand their choices. I just don't agree with them. Another child could have been raised in my home and feel quite different than I do. I've told my own children to take the best out of how they were parented and make it better for their own children. I truly hope they do.
I remember deciding at a very young age that I would be a different kind of parent to my own children. I stood by that promise and I am a very different parent. I've made serious mistakes that I regret, but I've always respected my children and viewed each of them as valuable, contributing members of our family. Maybe in another post I'll talk about how I did it.
One final comment - my five-year-old granddaughter had been the most challenging child I have ever known. I am very serious. As a younger child, she hit, bit, scratched, yelled and did about every other thing you swear your child will never do. I've taught Child Development for several decades, but more often than not, with Bailey, I just scratched my head. Staying positive with her has not been easy. She's lucky to have a mother who has been patient with her and modeled correct behavior. She still has her challenges, but because she was disciplined, not punished, she has developed compassion and genuine caring for others. My point is that even with the most difficult children, staying positive and focusing more on the good than the negative eventually pays off. It's been a lot of work, but the outcome is worth it all. She, now, applies the principles of respect and fairness to others. I'm quite sure the outcome would be different if punishment had been more important than teaching.
I really don't think spanking or hitting hurts the parent more than the child. I think it can hurt some children for a lifetime.
No comments:
Post a Comment