Theoretically Speaking....
Mothers have essentially been having babies the same way since the beginning of our species. First you have sex, then you get fat, then the baby comes out. Not much has changed really. Of course, how you have sex, how much fat is reasonable, and how the baby comes out have all been affected by what is culturally and socially acceptable. Having had three C-sections, I'm grateful that Caesar, or whoever it was, discovered that babies can come out man-made holes as well as the anatomically created ones. If not, I would be childless and dead.
For centuries mothers have passed down to daughters the shoulds and should nots of pregnancy and childbirth. All this great advice emerged from culture. I remember, as a child, being told that pregnant women couldn't work in a garden because it would kill the plants. Personally, I think some farmer's wife made that up - how very clever of her! Anyway, from one generation to the next, valuable, if not always requested, advice has been freely passed down from well-meaning mother to skeptical daughter. But, that's not all. After the baby arrives the real fun begins.
I'm from the South - a point I proudly make. However, if I believed everything my mom, aunts, cousins, and grandparents said about raising kids I'd have kids who were "knocked into the middle of next week" or walking around "with a knot in their tails". In all fairness, the whole mess of raising youngins had to be a little confusing. In one generation, we went from the woodshed to Dr. Spock. I seem to remember some relative saying that Dr. Spock's books were only useful if applied directly to the behind.
The question then becomes, are we doing it any better? Are we closer to raising the kind of kids who will leave the world a better place? Are they smarter, kinder, more compassionate, more open-minded, more curious, or more happy than their ancestors? I guess everyone has an opinion about that. As a matter of fact, in Child Development we learn about many people who had theories about the growth, development, and behavior of children. For example, Freud suggested that behavior is a result of unconscious drives that are created from our early experiences. Erik Erikson taught that successful or unsuccessful resolution of a series of psychosocial crises determines our psychological health. According to Piaget, children process their experiences differently than adults and are often bound by cognitive limitations. The Behaviorists, Watson and Pavlov, believed that behavior is a result of conditioning or training. I could go on and on. I'm fascinated by these theories and have grown to appreciate their actual application to human behavior. However, I've yet to see one theorists who can tell me how to raise happy, self-fulfilled children. And, how could they? The truth is that knowledge is power. I've studied the theories and I've applied them...and they helped. They often eased my fear that my kids were the weirdest on the planet. Learning that stealing requires a level of understanding that, cognitively speaking, is admirable, helped me spare my gum-stealing daughter's life. However, the other truth is that IT'S NOT ALL IN THE BOOKS. Sometimes, as parents, we have to fly by the seat of our pants. We don't always (translated - seldom) get the kids we ordered. If we did, we'd have a boring world full of happy, compliant, narrow-thinking clones. Therefore, we're put in the position of raising happy, productive members of society without instructions, manuals, or a single clue as to how we should do it.
I have some theories about raising kids. These theories are not supported by research and I have no actual proof that they are valid, but here's what I think. First of all, parents should chill. I can hear my children belly-laughing at this. Nevertheless, it is true. Our children are only on loan to us for a short period of time. We should enjoy that time and quit worrying about the little stuff. Eating ice-cream sundaes for dinner will not kill a kid, but the memory of doing it might last forever.
The second theory is - learn, early on, that your children are not clones. They're not going to live your life. They're going to live theirs. The paths they choose might not only be different, but contrary to what you would choose for them. Letting go is hard (a lesson I'm currently struggling with). If you have taught your children well and valued them as irreplaceable members in the family, most often they will adopt a value system similar to yours- even if they divert along the way.
Finally, don't just love your children unconditionally, but demonstrate that love every day. Hugs, kisses, and "I love you" are important. However, they don't replace genuine expressions of acceptance, appreciation, and respect. In my day respect meant doing what you're told, not talking back, and honoring your elders. Today's definition is a bit more expansive. Respect for children looks exactly like respect for adults. It means valuing opinions, recognizing competency, and acknowledging worth. You wouldn't walk up to an adult with a drippy nose and yank a tissue across his face. That would be disrespectful. However, we do it to children all the time. That would be disrespectful, too. Remember that respect grows from respect - even with children.
I agree that the different Child Development theories are helpful in giving us a glimpse of how children process the information they constantly receive from the environment; from their parents, caretakers, siblings, peers, and the world around them. They provide us with guidance as to how society can better raise children who are competent, healthy, and happy, but how each individual applies these theories when dealing with the children in their own lives can have some variation. In becoming more familiar with the popular theories of Child Development, I can see how each one offers a unique perspective and how they are applicable to real life. If knowledge of these theories helps us as parents, caretakers, or teachers to extend more patience, compassion, and understanding towards the children in our lives, then I would personally say that the theorists have made a positive contribution to helping us as a society in nurturing the next generation. I appreciate the practical applications that have stemmed from such theories as the relationship-based theory, transactional theory, bioecological systems theory, constructivist theory on learning, Erikson's theory on psychosocial development, and Vygotsky's sociocultural theory. Through the contributions of these theorists, we know that even the youngest of infants are active learners. They have helped us to view play as a crucial means by which children make sense of themselves and the world around them.
ReplyDeleteI especially liked your personal theories. As a parent, I can relate to losing my wits with my children when they make less than ideal choices, and I imagine that as they get older, these choices will only result in more serious consequences. I appreciate the reminder that our children are not ours to keep, but for a short time they are ours to influence. With the business of our daily schedules it can become all too easy to skip out of embracing, kissing, and tenderly letting my children know that I love them, but no one really knows how long we have with them, and the recent tragedy in Sandy Hook Elementary is a sober reminder of this truth. It is the little, everyday things we are willing to do with our children that I think will make a lasting impression on them. I think it is also important to keep in mind that the choices our children make are not a report card on who we are as parents. Although most parents do their best to instill good values into their children, children will make mistakes, and one mistake doesn't doom the parent to be condemned as unfit. My own parenting journey thus far has been a slow process of learning that I need to loosen up while still providing my children with consistent guidance and unconditional love.
I have over the last couple of years loved learning the theories and strategies that go along with working with children. I have none of my own, but grew up in a close knit baby making machine of a family and have had a significant role as auntie to my niece, nephews and young cousins over the years. Upon learning the various theories presented over the course of my Child Development education, I have been pleasantly surprised to find that many of the theories are kind of natural and obvious when put into action, though they may not be ideas that can be verbalized by parents in technical terms, often the knowledge and understanding are there. My parenting knowledge comes strictly from observation of the parents I know, and the way I was raised. I have been most amazed to see my eldest brother's children turn out to be well adjusted, genuinely awesome caring children. My brother and sister in law have an extremely rigid, law driven method of parenthood, but they are also extremely loving and very involved with their children's lives and interests. Early on in their children's lives I worried that the kids would be emotionally damaged and angsty, but, that has not been the case at all, proof that children are in fact much more centered by love than punishment, if the balance weighs more heavily in the love department.
ReplyDeleteAlso I have learned that there is definitely not a one size fits all when it comes to working with and raising children. Every family unit is unique and every member within that family is unique. It seems that consistency and flexibility are two of the most important factors (as well as love of course) in raising kids without going nuts. My friends and family members that I consider the most successful as parents seem to very deeply hold to those two factors. Their children know what to expect on a daily basis, but if anything abnormal happens, they are able to roll with it and make adjustments accordingly without panicking or responding with stress.
-Sarah Dore